I have tried my best.

I was left without closure.

Photo by Frederick Medina on Unsplash

At the end of a long run, I’m back to this space, my space!

This letter would be reaching you in the evening. Pretty sure you would be back from wherever you had gone to and checked in for the night or you are on your way home. Whichever way, you would have had a long day, a terrible one or even a nice one. Whichever it is, I want you relaxed when you read this.

Photo by Ajeet Mestry on Unsplash

It’s been an adventurous nine months. From my grandmother’s funeral around December to sticking with a beautiful family to starting a daily affirmation until the year runs out which I couldn’t keep up with, School, streaks, Supportive friends, Exams, birthdays, results, election, monthly dumps, love, new friends, heart breaks, being scammed, mental stress, practicals at school which hunted me for weeks and lastly death which is forever unpredictable and inevitable. Indeed it was a bitter-sweet rollercoaster ride.

I could smile this minute and the next, I’m at the edge overthinking. I couldn’t write in the chaos. I felt I was being laughed at. I probably was but who cares? I don’t anymore. I told myself I was wasting my time writing to a bunch of people who only screamed I can relate in my DM. I literally gave up on myself. Those who were there to lift me, big thank you.

You know that popular saying; “you never know the worth of what you have until you lose it”, leaves me to the essence of my post.

Mom then said; someone’s leaving is part of life. “As one is leaving, a better one is coming”. Indeed better ones are coming. Better ones came. I realized I was surrounded by lots of love from different people. I was only scared of change. When I was left to wonder where I went wrong, I did this breathe in-breathe out session and moved out of this circle I felt I was trapped in, in my head. I did things differently and stopped hoping you would come back. I never received a message from you saying you still regard me (I wasn’t expecting it) until now. Quick question? What ran through your mind when you were typing that message? Now; I remember one time we bumped into each other which is the only time we can ever see. You said. “You are doing great. You are now a big girl”. I laughed at you when you left. If only you know I didn’t miss you but all that I’m complaining about is the shock it left me in. I am not writing to you from a place of solitary to be very frank.

You were at the back of my mind while I laid complains. “Aah so this thing happened to me?” What is wrong with me?

I expected it though but I hid under the imagination of it just can’t happen. Then, It happened.

I was left without closure.

The way you treated me only made me grow wise enough to know my worth.

Random: I remember one time I was told not to smile ever again. That was in high school. Coming from a very good friend.

Nothing hurts more than drifting away from someone or having to loose someone to the cold hands of death. You are left with memories to hold onto. As blurry as it is in your head, you still try to make it clear for the sanity of your mind. It’s not everyday you wake up to messages of not being wanted. You must have prepared your mind for it but when it finally happens, you can barely remember what you said you were going to do if it happened.

I was able to put this piece with this song (Half a man by Dean Lewis). I remember when I first saw your message after two months of not being in communication and being complete status viewers and my heart skipped and all I could do was reflect on my actions. Do I care? Yes. Am I hurt? Yes. Why did it happen?- Unconsciously, you became helpless in my eyes and the vision I had for four years faded. It just happened. Life happened.

Photo by Niklas Hamann on Unsplash

Now, you look very strong. I’m proud of you. With a heavy smile, I can only say good for you. You are becoming the person you’ve wanted to be. You are the best version of yourself. You have tried your best. If I see you, I definitely would give you a warm hug. We both need it. I’m sure you will read this blog and this is coming from a place of goodwill.

We definitely have to say goodbyes to people at some point. It’s what life is. You have never lost someone? Fine. You have? That’s alright. You are strong and deserve your flowers for keeping yourself sane. Life is not sweet at every point. It gets harder, complicated and confusing as you move. What’s the best you can do? What did I do?

Self meditate, write it all out, cry it all out, go for walks alone, talk to little children or friends, stay off the media for a while, smile more often and force myself to eat. I have tried my best. What about you? What’s your best?

Hope to see you next week. I’m back this time to stay. Like at the end of your read and subscribe if you haven’t.

~ Only.jazmyn_